The Royble: The Greatest Story Ever Told Badly Read online

  Despite all these amazing powers his divinity would remain a secret until 1984, 17 years after he was born, when the first mortal, Tim, would see the light of Roy’s shining teeth.

  Chapter 3. Rastas

  Book of Rastas, Prince of Darkness, Chapter 3 Verse 6

  And it came to pass that Rastas was banished from the kingdom of Aylesbury, and all the land around. And it was Roy’s will that this came to pass. And Rastas was exiled to the nine circles of Hemel, the innermost which was the A414 wherein Rastas was encased in ice by Roy’s divine ice cream van. And therein Rastas remained for all eternity, until one day that a child did ordereth a Rastas ice lolly, and a 99 please, and did unwrap Rastas and Rastas, did escape.

  Rastas meanwhile was living somewhere on the very outskirts of Aylesbury – a place no one had ever been to, and returned alive, in less than 40 minutes at rush hour. Many had heard of such a place but few talked of it. It was as though the mere mention this place would bring bad luck on the speaker. It was a place of solitude, a lonely place. Those that did live there kept themselves to themselves. There were no businesses or shops there except for 5 Tescos Metros, one Tesco Extra, and 11 Tesco Expresses. And a Starbucks, a Café Nero, Café Ritazza, and 24 other coffee shops. But other than that nothing. There was little for Rastas to do in such a place but plan.

  After he was born the, presumably, evil nurse had taken Rastas to ‘Little Devils’ a boarding school for evil infants in Great Missenden. Little Devils was housed in an ancient building in the centre of Missenden between the Caesars Palace Casino, and the Coop. Unfortunately he was expelled from the school after only two weeks, for being two weeks old. This became Rastas’s greatest regret in life. In Rastas’s biography, Ken Dodd wrote “Rastas never forgave Little Devils for his expulsion. He felt that the school rejected him too soon, not giving him the same chances afforded to the other children. This expulsion sowed the seeds that would turn him into the most evil being in all of Aylesbury.”

  Book of Roy's Escort, Chapter 7 Verse 3

  And it came to pass that Roy did want to buy a car. And he sayeth unto himself “I WANTETH AN ESCORT XR3I FOR THEY ARE VERY FAST AND COOL.” And Roy looked in the paper and lo there was and advert for an Escort XR3i for only £700ono. And Roy calleth the number even though Roy could have used special mind powers to communicate. And a man whose name was Kevin did answer, “I’M CALLING ABOUT YOUR ESCORT.”

  “Yeah?” sayeth Kevin.

  “IS IT STILL FOR SALE?”

  “Yeah,” and Roy was mightily pleased. And he did go round and see Kevin and did buy his beautiful red escort for £675, and it did pleaseth him. And Roy droveth all over the face of his kingdom, and he did think it was good. Until it broke down whilst it raineth.

  Rastas was filled with the desire for revenge. For some time now most of his waking hours had been spent hatching plots to kill Roy, and his driving test customers. He built 6 vehicles that he hoped to use to attack Roy. There was a spaceship, a rocket, a fat one with a box in it, an underwater one, and another two, but Rastas could only afford to build them 6 inches long, and they had to be piloted by puppets, so Rastas abandoned this plan and started a second project, creating a big spinning thing with a chair in the middle. The machine was designed that if he wore some national health glasses whilst sitting in the chair, he would have the brainwaves of somebody else implanted into his brain. Unfortunately for him this scheme back fired terribly: Rastas wanted to get the brainwaves of Dracula, but he mistakenly set the chair to spin backwards, thus wiping all his memory up to that point. As a result Rastas forgot about his hatred of Roy, and began a campaign of friendliness and not doing much. Concerned by this the, presumably, evil nurse began a re-education program for Rastas, to stop him straying from the path of evilness. At this time the Aylesbury Serious and Evil Crimes Agency (ASECA) started surveillance on Rastas and transcripts of surveillance tapes have recently been released under the Freedom of Information act. These tapes give an insight into Rastas’s education:

  Evil nurse: Have you done your homework Rastas?

  Rastas: (indistinct)

  EN: You must do your homework. You don’t want to be like your lazy brother Roy do you?

  R: I did not know I had a brother.

  EN: Oh yes. Roy is his name. Are you wearing a vest?

  ...

  EN: Rastas are you wearing a vest?

  R: No mum...I mean nurse.

  EN: You are right Rastas: I am not your mother.

  Rastas: I know.

  EN: I know you are fond of me, and think of me as your mother...

  Rastas: No I don't.

  EN: ...But I am just your nurse. Your real parents are dead.

  Rastas: Who...who were they?

  EN: Their names were Greeta, and Winston.

  Rastas: What were they like?

  EN: I am sorry to tell you, but they were evil people.

  Rastas: Like me then? And, presumably, you?

  EN: Er...no they were bad evil people. We are good evil people.

  Rastas: And Roger...

  EN: Roy?

  Rastas: Yeah, sorry. Roy. Is he good evil or bad evil?

  EN: He is the most evil creature on the earth.

  Rastas: So he's good then?

  EN: No he is very bad.

  (excerpt from: ASECA transcript 147/33)

  To further his education the nurse designed a course of 17 audio cassettes and books for Rastas. The course explained his purpose in life, taught him to achieve his potential, and earn the kind of salary that he is really worth. She sold him the course for only 3 easy payments of £29.99. Rastas devoured the course, and it fuelled his rage. He listened to the tapes over and over again, and became angrier and angrier, but he controlled his anger, and vowed to be more patient in planning his revenge on Roy, his family and all humankind.

  He travelled to the east on a bus, to train under the great psychic Mystic Mog. He spent five years living in Mog's palace learning the dark arts, and £1.50 a minute psychic hotline call answering. After his apprenticeship he started his own 0900 psychic advice line, and soon was wealthy and powerful enough to create an unholy army of the dead, which he planned to unleash on an unsuspecting Aylesbury, and then claim Roy’s throne. Unfortunately after extensive experimentation he abandoned the idea. He had soon discovered that dead people were ineffective as soldiers: guns would fall out of their hands, they smelt awful, and after a few weeks they would rot away and need replacing.

  Rastas needed a new plan, so he decided to recruit an army of the living, and he’d chop Roy’s head off with an axe, or shoot him, or something.

  Rastas was pleased with this new plan, but he still had to find Roy before he could put it into action. He looked everywhere for him, even in the garden, but he could not find him after many weeks of searching. He was about to give up when he had a stroke of luck. All his scheming and hating exhausted him, and to relax he liked nothing better than watching reality TV shows, especially MasterBagPacker on BBC2. It was whilst watching the now famous episode in which Roy first appeared, that Rastas learnt of Roy's precocious career at ADF. The high level of bag packing talent on display in MasterBagPacker meant that Roy only reached the quarter finals, but his fame was cemented as the show's youngest ever contestant. Before Roy the average age of MasterBagPacker contestants was 18 years 3 months. Astonishingly Roy first appeared when he was only 17 years 6 months.

  Rastas ire was fuelled greatly by Roy’s celebrity. Rastas himself was an expert bag packer, and he thought it should be he, not Roy, making celebrity bag packing programmes for BBC2. Rastas had learnt basic bag packing from his nurse, and continued his studies, eventually gaining a Masters of Bag Packing from the University of Bedgrove. With this qualification he applied to ADF for a bag packing job in order to get close to Roy. ADF recruited only the most promising bag packers, but despite the highly competitive nature of applications to ADF, he was confident he would get an interview, and during it be able to kill
Roy. If they offered him a job afterwards it would be doubly sweet.

  One week after applying for a job, he received a letter inviting him for interview. He arrived at the interview in his best plastic bag suit, was shown into an office, given a coffee, and told to wait. Five minutes later Jeff Mungton came in to the office, and sat down.

  “Hi I'm Jeff. I'll be doing your technical interview. Now … Ratso...”

  “Rastas.”

  “Not Ratso? Like in Midnight Cowboy?”

  “Rastas.”

  “OK, sorry. Right what kind of bags have you packed?”

  “Big ones, small ones...”

  “Blue ones?”

  “Of course. All sizes.”

  “Good. Good. We do pack all sizes here. Now if I gave you some soup to put in a bag what would you do?”

  The interview continued, and Rastas was enjoying showing off his knowledge so much that he almost forgot to say:

  “Where is Roy?”

  “Pardon?”

  “Roy from MasterBagPacker.”

  “Oh him. He left, I think. As far as I know he went to work in a garage somewhere.”

  “Which garage?”

  “Dunno. He left a while ago. You could ask his mate Tim.”

  “Where is this Tim?”

  “He's on...oh no I forgot he's not here any more, but I think he's still at school doin’ his A levels.”

  “Which school?”

  “Aylesbury Comp.”

  Chapter 4. School

  Book Of Roy’s Sacred Objects, Chapter 1 Verses 6-8

  And since there might be need for further books, (although highly unlikely), Roy did vaguely mention some blessed objects. And amongst these objects was a backwards projector, several Vivas, a 1000 pound lamp, a leather wristband, an Amiga, etc etc.

  And Roy sayeth unto Tim “MAYBE I’LL GET YOU TO FIND ME A SERIES OF OBJECTS, OR A HOLY GRAIL, OR SOMETHING OF EQUIVALENT OR LESSER VALUE.”

  And Tim did think “Oh no not again”.

  And Roy did say “AND MAYBE I WILL REWARD YOU FOR COLLECTING THESE OBJECTS. SOME KIND OF INCENTIVE SCHEME. BUT THAT SOUNDS LIKE HARD WORK, SO PERHAPS NOT.”

  “Great”, thoughteth Tim sarcastically.

  And Roy did hear Tim’s thoughts for he can hear all that is in your head, “TIMOTHY! IT’S ROY! DO NOT BE UPSET. YOU MUST FIND IT IN YOURSELF TO ANSWER MY WORD AND PERFORMEST WHAT I ASK.” But Tim had walked off to go and get a curry, “WHERE HAVE YOU GONE?” asked Roy, forgetting his superpowers.

  Tim awoke the morning after meeting Roy feeling refreshed. He now knew what he must do with his life, his purpose was to recruit disciples for Roy. But where could he find them and what would they be like? Roy had not specified the qualities a disciple must have. Could they be anybody, or were the 13 preordained?

  Tim called out to Roy: “Oh Roy I need to speak to you,” but no answer came to him, “I know I'll phone him,” thought Tim. He reached for the Royphone by his bed, picked it up, and waited for a signal. But none came. He tried replacing and picking up the receiver, but again no signal. Then he remembered the Royphone did not always work as he had made it from from toilet rolls. He went downstairs into the kitchen and picked up his parent's phone. He dialled the number on the card Roy had given him, “Hello. Roy?”

  “YES.”

  “It's Tim.”

  “TIM WHO?”

  “Tim from Aylesbury Dried Foods.”

  “I CAN'T REMEMBER YOU. ARE YOU THE DONUT GUY?”

  “No that's Jeff. I'm Tim. You asked me to find some disciples.”

  “OH YES I REMEMBER. HOW MANY HAVE YOU FOUND MATE?”

  “Er...none…I don't know how to find them.”

  “TRY GOING TO SCHOOL AND ASKING PEOPLE. I MUST GO NOW THE ROYPHONE IS RINGING.”

  “Roy? Roy?” but Roy had vanished magically, as if he had hung up the phone.

  “I know I'll see who I can find at school,” said Tim. To no one.

  So he hurriedly got dressed, ate 13 bowls of porridge, and left for school. The day passed uneventfully, with no disciples spotted. Dejectedly Tim left for home. As he walked out the school gates he felt something move down his back. He took off his blazer, and saw that a long blue chalk mark had been left on it. Mungo stood there, with chalk in his hand.

  “Did you do that Wilf?”

  “No it wasn’t me buurrrr nothing.”

  “What did you say Wilf?”

  “Burrrrr…nothing.” It was always the same: anything said to Mungo would be met with a mumbled response, that often included a double entendre, and then a denial that he had said anything.

  Mungo wasn’t even supposed to be at school. He had been expelled a few months before for stealing a teacher that he had found in the staff room.

  “Why are you here Wilf?”

  “I’m not.”

  “Yes you are.”

  “No…you are here. Nothing.”

  Tim was annoyed by Mungo, and so decided to go home and go to sleep.

  But just before he did, Mungo said: “are you going on holiday this summer?”

  “Yes. To France.” he said, “Ooops” thought Tim, “he might ask if he can come.”

  “Can I come?”

  “No.”

  “Why?”

  “It’s at a campsite where no beards are allowed.” Mungo looked hurt. Although barely 16, he already had an enormous ginger beard, “OK. Of course you can come.”

  “Great!”

  “But not your beard.” Mungo’s beard looked hurt too, “OK you can come too, beard.”

  Book of Olander, Chapter 1 Verses 6-12

  And Tim did wander for 40 days and 40 nights at school. Although he spent the nights at home. And the weekends too. And during this time Roy sent an Angel of Death, well more like an Angel of Bullying whose name was Olander. And Olander did make fun of Tim. Tim was vexed for Olander did call Tim a fat bastard in front of the whole class. And the class laughed and Tim hung his head with shame.

  And Tim said unto Roy “ Oh Roy why doest though send me such an abomination as Olander?”

  And Roy appeared to Tim in a vision. In the toilet. And Roy said “TIM I MUST KNOW THAT YOU ARE MY TRUE FOLLOWER. THE ONE YOU CALL OLANDER IS A TEST. ROY JUDGES THOSE ON THE WAY THEY STAND UP TO HIS TESTS. YOU FAT BASTARD.”

  And Tim left the toilet and Roy vanished out of the back door.

  The next few weeks at school were horrible for Tim. He found no disciples, and worse one of the pupils in his class had started bullying him. He had started making fun of Tim for being fat and would spend hours calling him names. Tim coped well with this, mostly ignoring the other boy, but soon the taunting spread to other members of his class. It had reached such a great extent that Tim had decided to leave school. That night Roy appeared to him in a vision, “TIM YOU MUST STAY AT SCHOOL. IF YOU DO NOT YOUR MUM WILL BE UPSET AND NOT BUY A LAMP WITH WHICH YOU NEED TO CONTACT COLONEL TONY.” Tim did not understand Roy’s message but thought it sounded plausible enough. So he resolved to stay in school and deal with Olander. But what could he do? If he started a fight Olander would enjoy it: he was always fighting kids a lot bigger than Tim.

  ***

  That evening Matt came round to Tim’s house to hang out. Tim was still fretting about the bully, “What am I going to do about Olander Matt?”

  “Computers are great” said Matt, “You can send emails, download porn and look up family trees on them. I bet we can get rid of Olander using a computer – they are that versatile. Although we may have to pretend it is 10 years later so that we can use the Internet.”7

  Quickly Tim pulled his computer from beneath his bed. It was a strange computer of unspecified type, that displayed everything much larger than usual, as if an audience had to read it. Tim logged onto the computer. In big letters “Would you like to play thermoglobalnuclear war?” came up on the screen.

  Tim typed “yes”.

  “Unhandled exception – return code 80000387 line 67” returned the
computer.

  Tim rebooted and connected to the internet. He brought up the Aylesbury Comprehensive website. Beneath the usual bland school information was a button reading “Pupil grade changes – Restricted Access”. Tim clicked on the button. A login screen came up.

  Tim looked at Matt, “Try ignoring it”. Tim did and a message popped up, “Warning: this is a secure area. Grade alterations can have serious consequences. Please use this area carefully.” Tim clicked on a button captioned “Grade altering”.

  “Enter Pupil name:” demanded the machine, “Evil Olander” Tim entered, “Pupil not found,” returned the machine.

  “His name’s Tony not Evil” said Matt.

  Tim tried again with the correct name. A new screen popped up, “Select subject to alter grade.” Tim selected “Metalwork” from a list and changed Olander’s score from B to F. He repeated this with all the subjects he could find.

  The next morning at assembly Olander was dragged from assembly by two security guards and was expelled for life from the school. He ended his days in Florida making gay porno movies, unless he returns to the story later. I can't remember.

  ***

  Tim happily set off for school the next day. On the way he called for Alex who lived a few doors down from him, in the same street Bowdery Lane.

  “Hiya.”

  “Hi. General studies today!”

  “I know” said Alex grinning.

  General studies was Tim and Alex’s favourite lesson. In general studies each term pupils were allowed to pick from various “general” subjects, such as community work, business studies, law enforcement and so on. Each term the lads would pick whichever of these subjects was taught by Mr. Chives. It would be nice to say Mr. Chives was their favourite teacher. Someone who had opened their eyes to the joys of learning. A man who they were fond of for his wise ways and understanding nature. Nice, but not true. Mr Chives was the least competent teacher in the school, probably the world. Try as he might he could not keep order in class. He was about 70 years old8, and although far from senile, he often did not seem to be very aware of what was going on in the classroom around him.