The Royble: The Greatest Story Ever Told Badly

The Royble

  E Day

  Copyright 2010 by E Day

  LEGAL NOTICE

  If you so much as read this book you may be sued by the whole world one billion times.

  This is a free ebook and must never be sold nor lent for financial gain, either individually or within other works.

  You may forward this ebook via email but it must remain in its original format, and not be used in any kind of advertising or promotion, or any other commercial activity, without the written permission of the author, and Roy’s blessing.

  This is a work of fiction. All the characters and events portrayed in this book are fictional, and any resemblance to real people or incidents is purely coincidental. Roy did not really create the universe. Probably.

  This book may not be printed and placed down your trousers, except to protect you from being caned at school.

  © 2010 by E. Day.

  Contents

  LEGAL NOTICE2

  Chapter 1. Tim meets Roy 4

  Chapter 2. Genesis of Roy 9

  Chapter 3. Rastas 15

  Chapter 4. School 21

  Chapter 5. Mungo37

  Chapter 6. Skinheads at the Bus Station 43

  Chapter 7. Silence of the Graham47

  Chapter 8. Parsons 57

  Chapter 9. Gareth 20962

  Chapter 10. The Son of Roy73

  Chapter 11. Marillion of Roy91

  Chapter 12. A bit before the Battle of Roy vs Rastas.131

  Chapter 13. Battle of Roy vs Rastas.138

  Epilogue - Where are they now 149

  Roy will return in The Rodney Code150

  You could draw a picture of something here.

  Chapter 1. Tim meets Roy

  Book Of Marillion, Chapter 1 Verse 1

  In the beginning Roy created Aylesbury and the earth.

  And the earth was formless, there was a darkness over the sea, and a void over the land.

  And Roy said, “LET THERE BE AYLESBURY.”

  And Roy saw Aylesbury and saw that it was good. But Roy had already created Aylesbury in the first sentence.

  And Roy said, “OH BLOODY HELL. TWO AYLESBURYS. I WONDER IF I CAN SELL ONE.”

  And then Roy saw that Aylesbury was also part of the earth. (The part called Aylesbury, near Tring). And thus there were now three Aylesburys.

  And Roy in his mightiness was getting fed up, but then he did see the amusing side, and did create a fourth Aylesbury, for a laugh.

  Four Aylesburys, and in all these Aylesburys with all their roundabouts and learner drivers, there was no one to take driving tests for those that were not very good at driving. So Roy said he would do this for anyone who asketh him, for fifty pounds. And he did put up a sign advertising his services. But there was still darkness over the earth, and no one could read Roy’s sign. So Roy said, "LET THERE BE A £1000 LAMP," and there was a lamp. Roy saw the lamp, that it was quite good, but probably not worth £1000. But at least his sign was visible now: “DRIVE TESTs £50. CHEEP!”

  Then Roy had a rest as he had to create Britney Spears the day after, and he didn’t know much about pop music.

  And the next day came. And Roy started to create Britney, but got bored and said unto Tim, “CAN I BORROWETH YOUR COPY OF LOVELY LADIES?”

  And this demand did vex Tim mightily for he did not like the idea of someone looking at his porn, yet it was his lord, Roy.

  And so Tim sayeth: “You can buy it off me for £2.”

  And Roy’s face did darken, for he thought £2 a lot for rubbish like Lovely Ladies, “TIMOTHY, TWO QUID IS A LOT FOR LOVELY LADIES!”

  And Tim did say, “Take it or leave it.”

  And Roy did think, and said “YOU CAN STUFF YOUR LOVELY LADIES.” And Roy was mightily angry, but then he calmed down, and he said, “I WILL CREATE A WAY TO GET PORN FREE. AND I WILL CALL IT THE INTERNET, AND THE PORN SHALL BE MUCH BETTER THAN IN LOVELY LADIES. AND THE INTERNET WILL ALSO BE GOOD FOR BUYING BOOKS, AND STEALING BANK PASSWORDS.”

  And Roy did create a magical beast called the Internet that had a head of an ox, and the belly of a Commodore 64, and a tail that was a plug. And Roy did also build websites, and URLs, and porno websites that one would go to if one typeth a URL a bit wrong, or sometimes on purpose.

  And when he had finished Roy smiled upon what he had done. But even though Roy had made all things, and all things were good, Roy was not pleased.

  “IT’S TOO EASY DOING STUFF,” thought Roy, “I KNOW I’LL SET A TASK FOR ONE OF MY CREATIONS. AND IT WILL BE A DIFFICULT TASK.”

  And on the third day Roy came up with a task, “I WILL MAKE ONE OF MY CREATIONS ROUND UP A GANG OF DISCIPLES TO WORSHIP ME.” And this pleased Roy for his ego was mighty, “YEAH AND MAYBE THEY CAN FIGHT A BATTLE OR SOMETHING.” Thoughteth Roy, getting all excited.

  The first 17 years of Tim’s life had left him feeling discontented. Despite a happy home and social life, he felt there was something missing, that he lacked a purpose, but he had no idea what to aim for. Perhaps when he left school things would become clearer. He hoped that would be the case, but he knew that a future at college did not appeal, nor did any careers excite him. He felt that he was just marking time, drifting along.

  He was in his final year at secondary school, and had just started a part time job at a food manufacturing company, Aylesbury Dried Foods (ADF), which was not too far from Tim’s house. He worked weekends and one evening a week; a significant workload for someone still at school. But Tim did not mind: for him working at ADF was a dream come true. Well it was a job with free food anyway, and he was fascinated by food: consuming several tons of it each day. He was thrilled when he got the job, but he could not have begun to realize how everything was about to change.

  In his first week he had been working on the doughnut filling machine with his co-worker, Jeff. Tim idolised Jeff, as he was the only professional doughnut maker he had ever met. They soon struck up a friendship with their common interests of doughnuts, and the local football team, Aylesbury Vale. At the beginning of a Saturday shift the foreman Chris called Tim into his office.

  “You don’t have an office Chris,” Tim told him.

  “OK, well, we need privacy – let’s go to the toilet.”

  “That’s weird, but maybe he’s trying to be like the Fonz. Which is also weird,” thought Tim as he followed Chris with some trepidation.

  “Tim you’ve been on doughnuts all week haven’t you?”

  “Yes Chris.”

  “And how many doughnuts have you eaten in that week?”

  “Not many.”

  “Not many eh? Well how come production is down by 500 this week?”

  “I haven’t eaten 500 doughnuts this week.”

  “No you’ve had 468.”

  “I haven’t had over 450.”

  “I’m not going to argue with you about it. But we can’t have someone on doughnuts who is eating more than they are making. I’m going to reallocate you to bag packing.”

  This was dreadful news for Tim. Bag packing meant working on a production line, packing dried ready-meals into bags. He would no longer be able to eat 70 donuts a day, only a few pounds of dried curries.

  “OK Chris. Can I go now?”

  “Yeah after you wash your hands.”

  “OK.”

  So Tim left Chris in the lavatory, and headed off to the bag packing production line. Standing by the line was a young man whose radiant glowing skin seemed to be diffuse, much like a Star Trek energy cloud1.

  “Hi my name’s Tim. What’s yours?”

  ”IT’S ROY!” It was the first of many times Tim would hear that phra
se.

  “Hi. Chris sent me to pack bags.”

  “TIM: IT’S ROY!”

  “Yeah I know.”

  “I AM YOUR FRIEND TIM!”

  “Great.”

  “I AM THE BEST BAG PACKER ADF HAS. AT THE MOMENT. I WILL TEACH YOU TO FILL BAGS FULL OF FOOD. THEY WILL BE BRIMMING WITH FOOD. I WILL SHOW YOU MY STEREO ONE DAY. BUT FIRST I MUST SET YOU A TASK.”

  “Er…OK.” The thought of being taught to expertly pack bags full of food was very tempting for Tim. He was so eager to learn such a skill that he would agree to do any task Roy asked.

  “TIM I WANT YOU TO FIND ME 12 DISCIPLES PLUS ONE SUBSTITUTE. SO 13 DISCIPLES. AND TO WORSHIP ME AND STUFF. HERE IS MY CARD” He handed him a card, then Roy waved his magic wand and Tim fell fast asleep.

  Chapter 2. Genesis of Roy

  Book Of Rastas AD 1972, Chapter 3 Verse 7

  And its name was Rastas and its name was evil. And its number was 666. Which was where it liveth. 666 Evil Road, Outskirts, Aylesbury, HP997 8BAA.

  Roy, was born in Aylesbury in 1967, which is perhaps the greatest Royological Paradox. How could Roy have created the earth, even though he was only born in 1967?2 It is thought the earth was created by Roy 3 Billion years ago. At this time Roy’s form was that of an energy cloud, like the ones in Star Trek.3 A Billion years later Roy created the first non-energy life forms: a cat and a sheep. Then Roy invented evolution, and new life forms arose, including dinosaurs, kelads4 and woodlice. Roy was very proud of his creations, particularly the dinosaurs, until one day he watched the film, “Destroy All Monsters” starring Godzilla. The film made him wary of his creations, and he decided dinosaurs were, “NOT WORTH THE BOTHER, YOU KNOW. CLEANING LITTER TRAYS AND ALL THAT.” He chose to wipe them from the face of the earth, leaving a much smaller number of life forms inhabiting the planet.

  Roy felt very unsettled during this time of great upheaval, and he sought some stability in his life. He achieved this by purchasing a Ford Escort XR3i. The car was loaded with features: head rests, a cassette player, red paint, and a cigarette lighter. It was Roy’s pride and joy, but was difficult for him to drive in his energy cloud form. Realising his miasmic form was impractical, he turned himself into a cocoon (after eating a pickle), and metamorphosed into a human-like shape. This change meant he could drive his car at really fast speeds, and do hand brake turns and stuff. Roy now spent much time happily speeding around Aylesbury’s gyratory system, yet still he felt that something was missing in his life. He grew weary of his solitary existence, and so created mankind, and women, and kids, and Surinam toads. Roy watched his creations from afar, not interacting with them because at first he was shy, then well it’s a bit awkward and they probably wouldn’t be interested in him anyway.

  Then, about 1000 years ago Roy created some secret societies that left clues all over the place about who they are, and how they are really in control of everything, and how they will probably have a fight with Roy one day.

  After that, nothing happened until 1967, when Roy decided “SOD IT. I WILL REVEAL MYSELF TO ROYKIND. BUT I DON’T WANT THEM TO KNOW HOW GREAT I AM IN CASE IT’S AGAINST THE LAW OR SOMETHING.” He wanted to live amongst mortals as one of them, but a lot better. Roy chose to do this in 1967, since, having just missed England’s World Cup victory, he wanted to be able to watch future England tournament victories down the pub.

  He initially planned his entry into the mortal world in an appearance in Hammer Film’s The Satanic Rites of Dracula. Roy altered the original screenplay to include a scene where Van Helsing uncovers a coffin containing a vampire called Roy. Roy’s plan was that once people had seen him in the film, word would spread that he had always been an actor and had also appeared in Hammer’s Plague of the Zombies (zombie called Roy) and Carry on Up the Khyber (soldier called Roy).

  Unfortunately for Roy the production of The Satanic Rites of Dracula was delayed (it was ultimately released in 1973). It is interesting to speculate how Roy’s altered version of the film would compare with the one released, and whether it would have gained more than its single Oscar win (Best Teeth).

  Jettisoning the idea of an invented history as an actor, Roy decided he would become a newborn infant instead. His plan was to be born and then raised by wolves, like Mowgli from The Jungle Book.5

  Roy could not find any suitable wolf parents, despite searching all of Buckinghamshire so instead he chose to be raised by rabbits. He was soon matched with suitable rabbit parents by placing an ad in “Rabbit Baby Monthly”. Unfortunately for Roy, 2 days after being adopted by his rabbit parents, they were found dead by their keeper Lucy Adams (age 4), who had forgotten to feed them. When Lucy went to tell her parents Roy realised he must flee, otherwise his entrance to the world might raise suspicion. The discovery of a newborn baby in a rabbit hutch might lead people to surmise that the baby was the incarnation of goodness and driving ability (a bit like foreign babies born with six heads). So Roy left Lucy’s rabbit hutch disguised as a baby (which is what he was), and sneaked into Stoke Mandeville Hospital maternity ward. In the ward Roy made friends with the only other baby possessing super powers: Rastas. Rastas too was planning entry into the human world, but for altogether different reasons than Roy. Roy did not discover until later that Rastas was the most evil baby in the whole of the hospital.

  Whilst waiting for suitable parents, the two babies thoroughly enjoyed their time spent hiding under a bed together, and they became firm friends. Eager to cement the friendship, Rastas convinced Roy that they should pretend to be born as twins, and Roy agreed.

  They selected a childless couple: Greeta and Winston, who worked at the hospital as cleaners, often cleaning near the bed where the babies hid.

  One morning, during cleaning hours, Rastas hypnotised the couple with a yoyo, and convinced them that Greeta was heavily pregnant with twins. Roy and Rastas sneaked home with them, hidden in Greeta’s sweater, and that night Winston rang for an ambulance as Greeta went into pretend labour. When the ambulance arrived Rastas quickly yoyo hypnotised the crew, who rushed Greeta to the hospital. At the hospital Rastas worked furiously, hypnotising anybody he came into contact with. Fifteen minutes later, everyone was convinced Greeta had given birth to two healthy babies, Roy being pretend-born 3 minutes before his evil “twin brother” Rastas.

  As soon as he was born Rastas was wrapped in a blanket and carried out of the delivery suite in the arms of a, presumably, evil nurse. The only clue to her identity was some writing on the back of her uniform glimpsed by Roy’s father, Winston, who thought it said either “Jimmy” or “Brad Wesley”. This was the last Roy and his family saw of Rastas until many years later. Greeta was distraught, “Bring back my evil son,” she cried for months afterwards. Often she would visit newsagents to ask them if they had seen Rastas. After many years of fruitless searching she switched to bookstores, and then back to newsagents. Sadly she would never see Rastas again, as she died in 1976, during her failed attempt to win a speed eating contest.

  Before her death Greeta tended to neglect Roy, consumed as she was by her grief over her missing son. But this neglect was compensated for by Winston’s love of Roy. Winston doted on his son and was very proud when Roy uttered his first words at the age of one. These were “IT’S ROY!” Surprised by this, Winston sought specialist advice. He took Roy to many doctors throughout his childhood, but none were able to explain why Roy always talked in capital letters. Winston soon accepted the way that Roy spoke, and treated him like he was his own son. Which is what he was. But not really.

  Because of Winston’s love for him, Roy’s childhood was idyllic.6 He loved Aylesbury, it was an exciting town to live in with a cinema, and a large ugly council building in the middle.

  Testing the boundaries of Winston’s love, Roy spent much of his childhood getting up to mischief. On one occasion, he fell in the Aylesbury canal after stealing a girder, and standing on top of a car. Another time he appeared as a contestant on an Indian gameshow, because of his
blind girlfriend or something. And in 1977 Winston was livid when Roy bought a couple of robots and joined a band of rebels fighting an evil galactic empire, in order to install a non-elected monarch as leader of the universe. Winston was so angry he severely damaged Roy’s robots especially the annoying shiny one.

  Roy also caused problems at his school, Mrs Beechwood’s School for Children. He would bully the other pupils and force them to play games of his own invention. One of his favourites of these games was called “Welding”, where Roy would force them to weld, using the gas tungsten arc welding process. This upset many of the child welders, since it is a slower process than gas metal or flux cored arc welding. When he tired of welding he would force them to play other games, included Green Shield Stamp collecting, bathroom suite designing and crisp packet counting.

  As well as the mischief, like many boys of his age Roy had a keen interest in dancing. He dreamt of one day becoming a ballet dancer or even a male stripper. Unfortunately his dreams were shattered when his application to the Royal Academy of Male Strippers was rejected. Angry Roy vowed never to dance again, and became instead an avid football fan. This love of football was shared by his father; they were both keen Spurs supporters. Often on Saturdays Roy would dress up in a Spurs hat and scarf, his mother would make him a thermos of hot cocoa, and some sandwiches with plastic filling (because she was mental), his father would take him downstairs, and they would watch Match of the Day on the television together.

  Despite doing these and other activities shared by many “normal” children, it was obvious Roy was different. None of the others at school could turn into energy clouds like he could, and none of them had stereos so powerful and brilliant that they were powered by the sun. Also none of the other children shared Roy’s precocious driving skills. Most did not begin to drive until they were sixteen, but Roy first passed his driving test at the age of three. He was such a great driver that he started taking other people’s driving tests for £50.

  At the same time as Roy developed his prodigious driving abilities, he also found out he had a propensity for packing bags full of food. At school he would impress teachers by filling very small bags with very large amounts of food. By the time he was 16 Roy was so good at bag packing, that he decided to take it up professionally. Despite his father’s protestations, Roy took a job at ADF, and ffter several months of hard work, Roy realized his dream, and was put to work packing bags full of food, and soon became ADF’s top bag-packer.